adamdamnlazzara:

patrickstumpkoala:

ahomeboyslife:

i have a speech writer on staff. so everything i say every day is actually scripted. if i pause and look like im listening to you if you look very closely i have a tiny ear piece in and im just waiting on my next line. it doesnt work well if i get out of range thats why i say stupid stuff sometimes.

before fall out boy broke i came up with an idea for “hand de-sanitizer” for our government. so if our leaders were meeting with people they didnt like they could “germ em up”. i apparently brought this up to the wrong member of my city council.

im so rich that unlike that ricky dude from silver spoons w/his min train. bronx has a mini g5 that he gets in and flies all over the house.

i actually had such long legs as a child that my parents took me to a specialist in prague and had them shortened. so technically i am 6ft 1in.

every “columbus day”. i recreate the voyage and sail from spain to an american indian reservation.

i once solved 99 problems in under a minute and in fact none of them were a bitch.

one time a cab driver told me that i was the most interesting person he had ever met. so interesting in fact that he not only said “hey this rides on me”. hes now my butler and driver and all i have to pay him is in interesting stories. i ran out of stories but hes old so ive just been telling him stuff from indiana jones for the past few months.

i invented the term “pardon my french” accidentally when i ordered in french at a joint in italy. quite embarrassing when i had to re-order in italian and then explain the whole ordeal in japanese to my friend.

robert pattinson is based off me. no not the character from the movie. i mean him the actual human being. i dont know why people dont notice my sexy accent or height or perfect cheekbones. it keeps me up at night.

my cellphone isnt even connected to anything. anytime im talking on it i am just recording my voice so i can have a conversation with myself later.

by some weird birth defect my body is body is made of 30 percent beer. so when i had house parties when i was younger i never had to get a keg, i just spit in my friends mouths. kinda also accounts for my constant haziness and poor spelling.

i dont really know how to play the bass. but ive just about gotten the hang of how to hold one.

i dont own 800 hoodies. i actually have them on loan. i rent them. call me frugal.

i once blew a breathalyzer to perfect pi 3.1415926- the officer was so impressed that we had a drink and then i drove home to someone elses house.

theres a few more but i want to keep some of the secrets.

share some of yours too and to answer a question:

@PostItNoteIdeas if everything on the internet is true then god help us sarah palin must see russia from her house.

i actually stood at the edge of the bering strait and saw her with binoculars and a rifle holding down the border. she couldnt see me though because i was in full snow camouflage. america is safe. 

just cause i lurk on you duders- you came up with some better ones:

“Yesterday I was backing out of my driveway, and a dog ran over me. He told me he was had insurance but when I called the number, it was for pizza hut. that motherfucker.”

“im not pete wentz, i just play him on tv.”

im not pete wentz, i just play him in real life.

Don’t mind me, I just need one of the kings of the Internet on my blog.

“if everything on the internet is true then god help us sarah palin must see russia from her house.”

“my cellphone isnt even connected to anything. anytime im talking on it i am just recording my voice so i can have a conversation with myself later.”

OH MY FUCKING GOD